Clashes With
Friendship
Abbie Smith
God and Merriam Webster treat “friends” as no small matter, identifying them with words like “intimacy” and “crucial for one’s well-being”—as if to say friendships are related to one’s health and survival. You may have heard friendship described as a mutual expression of trust, commitment and affection. But this rarely matches the modern picture, which looks more like an isolated attempt toward lengthening a contact list or alleviating loneliness.
I tend to prefer modernity’s definition, which lets me identify with something more casual, like the sitcom that made Jennifer Aniston famous, or the designated record of my Facebook popularity. And frankly, who wouldn’t? Casual is easier than intimate, and it’s certainly more easy-going.
So unless I flat-out lie and formulate something of Kool-Aid-flavored content to make you happy, I’ve gotta say reflections on the actual meanings of friendship have been problematic for me, and they have clashed more problematcially with my modern décor than I’d like to admit.
Here are two such clashings:
1) Friendship exposes.
When Jesus references friendship or relates to friends, He speaks with a vulnerability that makes me nauseous; He relates with a familiarity I’m scared to fathom. I’d rather hide behind an agenda or help other people be seen than actually see myself, let alone be seen by another.
The clash here is that when God talks about friendship, and certainly friendship with Him, it’s proposed as safe. He says it exposes, but is bound by a sacred love; it threatens my control, but for the sake of letting me relax. But in an age where few things are more sacred or more sought-after than control, His words are hard to believe. However, as I’ve begun to experiment with vulnerability, to the degree that I’m loved in my weakness, I’ve started to see that He’s right. Being ourselves, or being exposed in the face of another, is both the cost and invitation of true friendship.
2) Friendship is an identity.
Jesus showed up to towns and dinner tables, performed a miracle or shared a parable, and then left—at seemingly arbitrary points, and with what seemed to be masses of people still lonely and unhealed. That seems selfish to me. Jesus gave in to desires for time alone, or time in friendship with His Father, when He could’ve been healing the world.
Or could it be that true friendship—and loving one’s neighbor—stem from loving one’s self, like with created boundaries and set-apart times for rest? Furthermore, could it be that selfish interests for friendship with God are a means to learned selflessness?
“But what if someone needs my friendship, Lord? What if they need my help?” Then I will take care of them, Abbie; I AM their deepest form of friendship; you are not. You are allowed to step away and be with Me. Our choice seems to fall somewhere between taking God at His Word and trusting our core identity as being His friend, or continuing in our attempts to do life alone.
James said: “Friendship with the world is hostility toward God,” and “Whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God,” (James 4:4, NASB). I can’t help but wonder if something similar could be said here, like friendship with the world’s definition of friendship is hostility toward God, and befriending culture’s standard of friendship is training us to be enemies of God?
I recently heard a statistician from Google sharing on the newest search innovations. He explained that today’s teen is far more apt to search via YouTube than Google; they’re drawn toward the experience more than the list or statistic. Students today want to be shown how to live, not told.
More so than ever, our willingness to healthily grapple with what we’re teaching, thereby more healthily understanding Jesus’ model for living, is our greatest hope in making disciples who might go and do the same. Friendship is a journey. Its call is not an answer or perfected definition, but it is openness to the greatest invitation you’ll ever receive: There is no greater love than this, that Jesus laid down His life to call you friend.
Abbie Smith is the author of Can You Keep Your Faith in College? (Multnomah, 2006) She graduates next month from Talbot Seminary with a degree in Spiritual Formation and Soul Care. www.keepingyourfaith.com
Notes From The Editor :
New Friend Request series
It’s spring! Here in the ATL, that means sunshine, flowers in bloom and sneezing. We are the pollen capital of the world. (Okay, I don’t know if we are officially, but we are sure are competing for it big time!)
It also means that there is a lot going on at reThink. At the time of writing this, we are approaching the final days before The Orange Conference, so you can imagine the deadlines and the details. But what we are most excited about is getting a chance to meet some of you. We want to hear your stories, find out how things are going, and well, just get to know who you are. So if you get this before Orange and are planning on attending, please make sure you come up to us at the XP3 booth or student forum during the conference!
In the XP3 world, there is a new series now available on friendship. It’s a three-week series called New Friend Request, and it’s practical approach for students about the influence and impact friendship has on their lives. Also, the XP for the series celebrates friendship, but in a way that has a global impact. Make sure you check out this exciting experience for your students and find out how you can make a difference in the country of Rwanda through an organization called Land of a Thousand Hills.
We have also just released a Home XP that allows you to cast vision for parents in five key areas. The document is located in the XP3 Training area that you’ll find when you log into your account. Take the content from this particular Home XP setting up the five family values and put it in an e-mail, a newsletter, or on your parent connection website to set up all future Home XPs that you use with each XP3 series.
And one final thing that is HUGE—we have a new website! Check it out at www.xp3students.org
Thank you for guiding students beyond just knowing information about God to experiencing Him.
Tim Walker
XP3 Lead Editor
